So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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