I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I supernannyed him into submission
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
