I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
