theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
