we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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