Will you blow on my dice?
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
