just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
