I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
