Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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