You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
