Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
