Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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