fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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