I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
