I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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