The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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