someone get that fucking seahorse.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
