There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
