Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
