man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
