Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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