Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
