Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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