Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
