please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
