if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Randomize
