My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
