The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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