between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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