I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
