My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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