I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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