i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
