So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
