The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
