i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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