I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The power of my boobs compel you
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
