i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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