If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
