She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
