My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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