Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize