I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I need to calm my uterus...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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