i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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