Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
