she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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