There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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