Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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