After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
