I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
