I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
