My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My balls are so social today.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
