i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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