my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize