Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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