i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
