Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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