My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
two words: eviction party
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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