just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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