My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
