I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
