just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
