Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
