ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize