I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize